I feel like a failure. All around. I feel like I can't give my husband a child. I have to pay $30 to induce a fucking period I should get naturally every month. This cycle I tried soy. All my chatzy girls are optimistic that the soy will make me ovulate. I on the other hand don't believe it did shit. Day after day I take my stupid ass basal temp and 2 OPK's and just when I think my temps are starting to look better...BAM! I get a drop. This is the dreaded drop that starts all of my eratic temps. Every one of my OPK's is being dumb. some nights it will seems to be a little darker. Then it'll be almost non-existent. Like today, practically no second line at all.
I feel like a horrible person but I can't stand the thought of any more girls on my board getting pregnant. This does not include my close friends I have on chaty. I honestly will be happy when they get a BFP. But there are some girls on the board right now who are waiting to test or their chart is looking good and I tear up every damn time I see their posts. I hate that I get a sigh of relief every time someone starts their period instead of getting pregnant. I'm feeling alone again. I'm starting to go to that dark place again. So many women are getting pregnant right now. Why can't I just fucking ovulate and have a chance like everyone else!?
I hate the person I've become. I used to love being around babies and miss having the normal "aww I want one" feeling every woman gets when she sees a baby. this time last year I decided to get off birth control and couldn't imagine not having a baby by this time. Every day I wonder if God is punishing me for not being understanding to that coworker who had been trying over a year and was having trouble (she's got a baby now), for thinking I could get on and off birth control and decide when I'M ready for a baby. Maybe he's punishing me for being so bitter. Maybe he's punishing me for something I can't quite remember.
I've been blessed with a wonderful husband, and given a house of my own when we were being kicked out of our rental house suddenly (due to the owner wanting to sell the home). So why would God give me a baby easily too right? Why do I deserve for my life to be any more "perfect" in people's eyes?
Maybe I'm just throwing a pitty party for myself. I had to write this all down though to get it out. I can't go back to that dark place. The place that tells me I'm not worth anything.
Now on to watch more shows on tv about fucking teens/drug addicts/you name it get pregnant...
I know exactly how you feel Allison. It's so hard to ttc. Not to mention all of the depression that it brings into your life. A woman is SUPPOSED to bare children right? Isn't that what we were made for? I'm not going to say, relax it will happen, or when God wants you to have a baby then you will. We all know this is a bunch a bull shit and no one should even say those words. There really is nothing comforting to say to someone that is going through this except that we have been there or in some cases are there, and you are not alone in this at all. You are not alone in ttc or alone in your feelings. I personally felt like a failure on several occasions. Unfortunately there's not much we can do to make those feelings go away. But I hope you understand that you are my BFF and I will always be here for you no matter what happens. I love you girl!
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