Apparently I was wrong...

Ok so I haven't updated this in a while and I went back to read my last post and laughed at myself. But hey, that's what these things are good for right? Getting your current feelings out by typing?

Well I can happily call myself wrong about my last post. Turns out that dip I had was the start of ovulation >.< I still don't believe it. My girls tell me to stop worrying that I actually DID ovulate. But I won't fully believe it til I start my period or get a positive pregnancy test. I'm having a hard time believing it actually happened because I haven't ovulated since I got off of birth control a year ago :(

I owe this all to my girls and soy. Without my friends I wouldn't have found out about soy iso and I certainly wouldn't have had the balls to try it. So here's a thank you to my wonderful BFF's on chatzy!

I'm currently 7 days past ovulation according to my vaginal temp chart and 8 days past ovulation on my oral temp chart. I TRY not to think about symptoms but I guess for the sake of the blog I will list some:

5 DPO:

• Nausea at night

6 DPO:

• Sleep Deprivation and Irritability (duh! don't those kinda go hand in hand?)

7 DPO:

• Weird cramps/tugging sensation around 1 am.
• Slight nausea after eating that donut I shouldn't have :x
• Small twinges

If my temps stay elevated like they were today I will be testing Saturday! Keep your fingers crossed for me and please pray not only for myself but for my friends.

Pray for Krys: For her baby to continue to grow and remain healthy!
Pray for Janell: For her to ovulate and be able to conceive naturally!
Pray for Tina: For her IUI to be successful!
Pray for Kelly: For her to ovulate and have a longer luteal phase!

What is there to say?

I feel like a failure. All around. I feel like I can't give my husband a child. I have to pay $30 to induce a fucking period I should get naturally every month. This cycle I tried soy. All my chatzy girls are optimistic that the soy will make me ovulate. I on the other hand don't believe it did shit. Day after day I take my stupid ass basal temp and 2 OPK's and just when I think my temps are starting to look better...BAM! I get a drop. This is the dreaded drop that starts all of my eratic temps. Every one of my OPK's is being dumb. some nights it will seems to be a little darker. Then it'll be almost non-existent. Like today, practically no second line at all.

I feel like a horrible person but I can't stand the thought of any more girls on my board getting pregnant. This does not include my close friends I have on chaty. I honestly will be happy when they get a BFP. But there are some girls on the board right now who are waiting to test or their chart is looking good and I tear up every damn time I see their posts. I hate that I get a sigh of relief every time someone starts their period instead of getting pregnant. I'm feeling alone again. I'm starting to go to that dark place again. So many women are getting pregnant right now. Why can't I just fucking ovulate and have a chance like everyone else!?

I hate the person I've become. I used to love being around babies and miss having the normal "aww I want one" feeling every woman gets when she sees a baby. this time last year I decided to get off birth control and couldn't imagine not having a baby by this time. Every day I wonder if God is punishing me for not being understanding to that coworker who had been trying over a year and was having trouble (she's got a baby now), for thinking I could get on and off birth control and decide when I'M ready for a baby. Maybe he's punishing me for being so bitter. Maybe he's punishing me for something I can't quite remember.

I've been blessed with a wonderful husband, and given a house of my own when we were being kicked out of our rental house suddenly (due to the owner wanting to sell the home). So why would God give me a baby easily too right? Why do I deserve for my life to be any more "perfect" in people's eyes?

Maybe I'm just throwing a pitty party for myself. I had to write this all down though to get it out. I can't go back to that dark place. The place that tells me I'm not worth anything.

Now on to watch more shows on tv about fucking teens/drug addicts/you name it get pregnant...