So first off I was wrong about being wrong. I ended up having a false ovulation (FML). It's ok now though, Kyle and I decided to take a "break" until we got insurance and could go to the doctor for infertility testing. We have the insurance now but are waiting for our cards to arrive. And to be quite honest, I'm finally reaching a point of calmness about it all. I really needed this break from babycenter.com and researching and temping and opk's and timing sex and omg my head hurts just from typing all of it!
I'm still very excited about getting help and getting pregnant, however I really hope all my recent hard work (dieting and exercising) will pay off in more than one way. I have lost weight which is awesome! What I love the most though is how I feel better, I fit into my size 8 jeans again, and I just feel overall healthy now :) As an added bonus, I am currently about to end my period! The cycle that had the false ovulation ended up being 60 something days. Then I got a natural period. So here I was on cycle day 39 thinking I still had another 20-30 days before another period (if I was lucky)..then BAM! I started spotting! It was weird to have a 41 day cycle. I really think it was me getting in shape that helped my cycle. I really hope this is all I needed to start getting normal naturally.
Ok now the part where I say what has gone on this week. Sunday morning I noticed one of our cats, Fidget, had a really round and hard abdomen. After seeing it get bigger we decided to take her to the vet on Monday. Our male cat is fixed so we knew Fidget wasn't pregnant. This only left bad news :( the doctor ran x-rays and showed us that there were two masses of tissue that were pushing her other organs. So that explains the bulge. Along with being hormonal from my period, Fidget is the cat that I have a special connection with so I started crying in the vet office. Our vet is awesome and he was really sympathetic and told us that it could be something that can be removed.
Tuesday comes and it's Fidget's surgery time. They were doing exploratory surgery since they weren't exactly sure what they were dealing with. Needless to say I was a nervous wreck all morning. I waited for Kyle's phone to go off letting us know if my "Fidge" was going to be ok or if there was nothing they could do for her. Kyle's phone went off around 2 hours after they started surgery. She is ok! Well she is now anyways. The entire problem was her uterus. It was so filled with fluid it was about to rupture :( Her uterus had grown to almost 2 pounds and took up 15% of her body weight. So they removed the uterus and ovaries and thankfully the only other thing wrong was her Spleen is a little swollen. The doctor said that's because it was being pushed and morphed by the uterus and that the swelling should go down.
Her stomach looks like Frankenstein :( The stitches will dissolve on their own in a few weeks. I still find myself needing to take a deep breath and remind myself that she is alive and ok. I spent the last 2 or 3 days with so much worry and anxiety that it's still got me shaken up.
Well this update is really long and mostly about Fidget so I know a lot of you don't care. But like I've said before, this is my blog so I will talk about whatever the hell I want. In other news...one of my best friends, Jonathan will be arriving in a week :D He's spending his spring break here with Kyle and me! I am soo excited :D
Ok well I'm off to bed now, I've had no sleep for 3 nights and I've spent all of today taking care of Fidget. For a cat straight out of surgery she has way too much energy :P Goodnight blog world!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Monday, December 13, 2010
Apparently I was wrong...
Ok so I haven't updated this in a while and I went back to read my last post and laughed at myself. But hey, that's what these things are good for right? Getting your current feelings out by typing?
Well I can happily call myself wrong about my last post. Turns out that dip I had was the start of ovulation >.< I still don't believe it. My girls tell me to stop worrying that I actually DID ovulate. But I won't fully believe it til I start my period or get a positive pregnancy test. I'm having a hard time believing it actually happened because I haven't ovulated since I got off of birth control a year ago :(
I owe this all to my girls and soy. Without my friends I wouldn't have found out about soy iso and I certainly wouldn't have had the balls to try it. So here's a thank you to my wonderful BFF's on chatzy!
I'm currently 7 days past ovulation according to my vaginal temp chart and 8 days past ovulation on my oral temp chart. I TRY not to think about symptoms but I guess for the sake of the blog I will list some:
5 DPO:
6 DPO:
7 DPO:
Pray for Krys: For her baby to continue to grow and remain healthy!
Pray for Janell: For her to ovulate and be able to conceive naturally!
Pray for Tina: For her IUI to be successful!
Pray for Kelly: For her to ovulate and have a longer luteal phase!
Well I can happily call myself wrong about my last post. Turns out that dip I had was the start of ovulation >.< I still don't believe it. My girls tell me to stop worrying that I actually DID ovulate. But I won't fully believe it til I start my period or get a positive pregnancy test. I'm having a hard time believing it actually happened because I haven't ovulated since I got off of birth control a year ago :(
I owe this all to my girls and soy. Without my friends I wouldn't have found out about soy iso and I certainly wouldn't have had the balls to try it. So here's a thank you to my wonderful BFF's on chatzy!
I'm currently 7 days past ovulation according to my vaginal temp chart and 8 days past ovulation on my oral temp chart. I TRY not to think about symptoms but I guess for the sake of the blog I will list some:
5 DPO:
- Nausea at night
6 DPO:
- Sleep Deprivation and Irritability (duh! don't those kinda go hand in hand?)
7 DPO:
- Weird cramps/tugging sensation around 1 am.
- Slight nausea after eating that donut I shouldn't have :x
- Small twinges
Pray for Krys: For her baby to continue to grow and remain healthy!
Pray for Janell: For her to ovulate and be able to conceive naturally!
Pray for Tina: For her IUI to be successful!
Pray for Kelly: For her to ovulate and have a longer luteal phase!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
What is there to say?
I feel like a failure. All around. I feel like I can't give my husband a child. I have to pay $30 to induce a fucking period I should get naturally every month. This cycle I tried soy. All my chatzy girls are optimistic that the soy will make me ovulate. I on the other hand don't believe it did shit. Day after day I take my stupid ass basal temp and 2 OPK's and just when I think my temps are starting to look better...BAM! I get a drop. This is the dreaded drop that starts all of my eratic temps. Every one of my OPK's is being dumb. some nights it will seems to be a little darker. Then it'll be almost non-existent. Like today, practically no second line at all.
I feel like a horrible person but I can't stand the thought of any more girls on my board getting pregnant. This does not include my close friends I have on chaty. I honestly will be happy when they get a BFP. But there are some girls on the board right now who are waiting to test or their chart is looking good and I tear up every damn time I see their posts. I hate that I get a sigh of relief every time someone starts their period instead of getting pregnant. I'm feeling alone again. I'm starting to go to that dark place again. So many women are getting pregnant right now. Why can't I just fucking ovulate and have a chance like everyone else!?
I hate the person I've become. I used to love being around babies and miss having the normal "aww I want one" feeling every woman gets when she sees a baby. this time last year I decided to get off birth control and couldn't imagine not having a baby by this time. Every day I wonder if God is punishing me for not being understanding to that coworker who had been trying over a year and was having trouble (she's got a baby now), for thinking I could get on and off birth control and decide when I'M ready for a baby. Maybe he's punishing me for being so bitter. Maybe he's punishing me for something I can't quite remember.
I've been blessed with a wonderful husband, and given a house of my own when we were being kicked out of our rental house suddenly (due to the owner wanting to sell the home). So why would God give me a baby easily too right? Why do I deserve for my life to be any more "perfect" in people's eyes?
Maybe I'm just throwing a pitty party for myself. I had to write this all down though to get it out. I can't go back to that dark place. The place that tells me I'm not worth anything.
Now on to watch more shows on tv about fucking teens/drug addicts/you name it get pregnant...
I feel like a horrible person but I can't stand the thought of any more girls on my board getting pregnant. This does not include my close friends I have on chaty. I honestly will be happy when they get a BFP. But there are some girls on the board right now who are waiting to test or their chart is looking good and I tear up every damn time I see their posts. I hate that I get a sigh of relief every time someone starts their period instead of getting pregnant. I'm feeling alone again. I'm starting to go to that dark place again. So many women are getting pregnant right now. Why can't I just fucking ovulate and have a chance like everyone else!?
I hate the person I've become. I used to love being around babies and miss having the normal "aww I want one" feeling every woman gets when she sees a baby. this time last year I decided to get off birth control and couldn't imagine not having a baby by this time. Every day I wonder if God is punishing me for not being understanding to that coworker who had been trying over a year and was having trouble (she's got a baby now), for thinking I could get on and off birth control and decide when I'M ready for a baby. Maybe he's punishing me for being so bitter. Maybe he's punishing me for something I can't quite remember.
I've been blessed with a wonderful husband, and given a house of my own when we were being kicked out of our rental house suddenly (due to the owner wanting to sell the home). So why would God give me a baby easily too right? Why do I deserve for my life to be any more "perfect" in people's eyes?
Maybe I'm just throwing a pitty party for myself. I had to write this all down though to get it out. I can't go back to that dark place. The place that tells me I'm not worth anything.
Now on to watch more shows on tv about fucking teens/drug addicts/you name it get pregnant...
Sunday, November 28, 2010
You asked for it...
Ok so I've been toying with the idea of starting a blog for a long time now. Well I finally decided to bite the bullet and make one. I'm not going to pussyfoot around people's feelings and I'm going to speak my mind. Otherwise it wouldn't be MY blog. If you have a problem with that, you can leave :) First off since I am being completely honest on this blog I will say that YES, my husband and I are trying to conceive. Before you give me your hoorays let me tell you that it has already been a year. For some of you this is no surprise at all. For others *cough* *cough* *my dad's side of the family*, this may be shocking. Mostly because despite my efforts to hint around that we have been suffering you people are too self centered and selfish to care. And since this is MY blog I will state how incredibly RUDE it is to brag about your oh so fertile wife, your "superman sperm", your oops child, and tell me that I need to "hurry up" because you will be trying again when your wife graduates college next spring. Thanks asshole. This is exactly what a couple going through infertility wants to hear.
Anyways...yes, my husband and I have been trying for a year. I say "infertility" because after quitting birth control pills a year ago I have only had 5 periods. 2 have been induced through medication. Such as the cycle I am on now. I chart my basal body temperature and through that have found that I do not ovulate. Therefore I decided to try Soy Isoflavones this cycle. It's taken like Clomid. If you don't know what either of these things are I highly suggest a dictionary, or even google.
That's another thing...women who are trying to have a baby who know NOTHING about their own damn body! I am on a website that has many different groups of women, a lot of whom are trying to conceive as well. I can't tell you how many times I come across a woman who doesn't even know what 2 lines on a pregnancy test means! Give me a fucking break!
Back to the story of me. I'll try to keep this brief since my first entry is already a storybook. Basically my husband and I met in 2005 when I was 16 and he was 19. He moved to be with me and we got married August 11, 2006. In September/October of 2009 we decided it was time to start a family. So I got off of the birth control pills in November of 2009 and we've been trying ever since. Let me tell you why I blame myself for these pills messing me up....my husband and I were both virgins until our wedding night. I decided to start the pill a couple of months before my wedding so that it would be working by the wedding night. I was only on the pill for a little over 3 years. Because I chose to be responsible and save myself for my husband, because I chose to prevent pregnancy when we were both so young, I now suffer.
When my husband and I first met he came to me concerned that he had testicular cancer. I convinced him to go to a doctor and thankfully we were told that he only had a left sided Varicocele (again...google it). This was a huge relief! That is until it came time to start a family and we remembered the doctor telling us how it could cause infertility. Funny how when you are a teenager that stuff just flies out of your mind the second you hear it.
There have been many tearful nights where I blamed myself and my husband blamed himself. I finally got him to go take a semen analysis test. The same exact day that we found out he had got a new job, the doctor called and said his semen was completely normal! I started crying. So much good news had happened that day. My husband's new job will give him insurance after 90 days. We have been waiting for this because I need to see a fertility specialist. Both of us used to work for the family business so we didn't have insurance before.
So this is me now. Waiting to see if I can ovulate for the first time because of the soy and anxiously looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel........
Anyways...yes, my husband and I have been trying for a year. I say "infertility" because after quitting birth control pills a year ago I have only had 5 periods. 2 have been induced through medication. Such as the cycle I am on now. I chart my basal body temperature and through that have found that I do not ovulate. Therefore I decided to try Soy Isoflavones this cycle. It's taken like Clomid. If you don't know what either of these things are I highly suggest a dictionary, or even google.
That's another thing...women who are trying to have a baby who know NOTHING about their own damn body! I am on a website that has many different groups of women, a lot of whom are trying to conceive as well. I can't tell you how many times I come across a woman who doesn't even know what 2 lines on a pregnancy test means! Give me a fucking break!
Back to the story of me. I'll try to keep this brief since my first entry is already a storybook. Basically my husband and I met in 2005 when I was 16 and he was 19. He moved to be with me and we got married August 11, 2006. In September/October of 2009 we decided it was time to start a family. So I got off of the birth control pills in November of 2009 and we've been trying ever since. Let me tell you why I blame myself for these pills messing me up....my husband and I were both virgins until our wedding night. I decided to start the pill a couple of months before my wedding so that it would be working by the wedding night. I was only on the pill for a little over 3 years. Because I chose to be responsible and save myself for my husband, because I chose to prevent pregnancy when we were both so young, I now suffer.
When my husband and I first met he came to me concerned that he had testicular cancer. I convinced him to go to a doctor and thankfully we were told that he only had a left sided Varicocele (again...google it). This was a huge relief! That is until it came time to start a family and we remembered the doctor telling us how it could cause infertility. Funny how when you are a teenager that stuff just flies out of your mind the second you hear it.
There have been many tearful nights where I blamed myself and my husband blamed himself. I finally got him to go take a semen analysis test. The same exact day that we found out he had got a new job, the doctor called and said his semen was completely normal! I started crying. So much good news had happened that day. My husband's new job will give him insurance after 90 days. We have been waiting for this because I need to see a fertility specialist. Both of us used to work for the family business so we didn't have insurance before.
So this is me now. Waiting to see if I can ovulate for the first time because of the soy and anxiously looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel........
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